Glastonbury: The Opera - starring Lady Gaga as Titania

Ok, actually it's A Midsummer Night's Dream: The Opera by Benjamin Britten BUT the idea was that this Dream is set in Glastonbury, or whatever festival you prefer because Glastonbury has become like, so totally over-hyped and over-crowded and full of we're-still-cool-middle-class-thirty-five-year-olds and where do we learn this? Why in the newspapers, in pieces written by yeah-I'm-still-cool-middle-class-thirty-five-year-olds who resent all their peer group crowding round them and unhelpfully reminding them that they are not, you know, eighteen anymore and why in god's name would they want to be, get a life, but - I DIGRESS.

So this Dream is set in a Festival and the fairies are Gaga-inspired performers, hence white (see above and below) is the new black, à la the iconic masked claw dancing in Bad Romance. (I've been doing my dissertation: works by an author must be italicized. Although perhaps a song is the equivalent of a poem and only albums should be italicized... Academic procedures are undoubtedly rotting my brain and infecting innocent, supposedly-regulation-free parts of my life...)

But just imagine if Lady Gaga DID decide to play Titania in her next video/project/plan to further take over the world. How AMAZING would that be? Although I've tried to think of someone worthy of playing her Oberon, and frankly I just don't think he's out there. Actually we could ignore the age gap and the fact that he is her cultural father rather than lover/contemporary and cast Bowie.

Eight degrees of separation between everyone on the planet? Get talking people, rave about this idea to everyone you meet and by a process of social osmosis (considering I spent every science lesson reading books under the lab table I think I should be congratulated for knowing this word) WE CAN get this dream of a Dream made one day...

What you have to really appreciate is the amount of thought that went into this; to the extent that the happy lovers (above) are supposed to be the chavvier festival goers and the unhappy lovers (below) are the Rah couple (does any - who hasn't been involved in a production of the play - ever remember which names belong to which lovers? The four of them have always been a blur of Lysandhermiaelna to me...)

So gold goes to the chavvy girl which rocks for her as it looks great - anyone seen Kate Moss in the Just Cavalli Spring 2010 gold dress? Unfortunately the high street seems to work on the logic that only in winter do we want to look go to parties and look sexy, so try finding a gold dress now and all you will see is a mountain of stripey tops and little cotton summer dresses but there are always charity/vintage shops and NEXT WINTER'S shopping (that's how fashion works darling, you look A HEAD. Which is why they are currently selling you the above mentioned floaty cotton dresses when I am still walking around in wool tights...)

I have to say that I didn't really get the whole Rah couple thing at first, because I thought that Ed was channeling the T-Birds from Grease, which, frankly, is much cooler than Rah-chic so I might stick with my original interpretation. But spot on with the ubiquitous elasticated gold tiara that Topshop was practically handing away free last season (ok, it's possible I'm just jealous because when I try to wear those things my hair poufs up at the back and looks silly and... sigh)

Very New Romantic. Very Total Eclipse of the Heart (even if you have seen this before, watch it again, it is so much worse/better than you can have remembered. What, oh WHAT were they thinking?? Quote from Jim Kitchen "This is the video I was born to make - and someone has already made it")

That, by the way, is the way to fairy wings

I realise that the blue hair (above and below) is created by the light, but how GLORIOUS would it be to really have your hair that colour. Not possible unless your hair was electrified (?) to give off a ethereal ligt blue/white light, but a nice thing to dream about.

Is it just me who looks at sweet little innocent choir boys dressed in white and thinks of this?

BEST. HAT. EVER. Even better two down when lit by blue light. Also like how the shadow is creating a Dali-like moustache...

This is when Titania - aka Lady G - starts to sing about the fact that her love affair with Bottom may have been something of a bad romance. But the hat inspiration she could have taken from the relationship would have consoled her.

Somehow capturing the spirit of white Grace Jones - who is clearly Gaga's cultural mother. Bowie and Jones, it's quite some parentage...

Back to the lovers - Red Wellingtons. If you are festival going this summer (and it will rain) have fun, make a statement (did anyone see the red high-heeled wellies they were recently selling in Office? So wrong and yet kind of wonderful). However, while making a statement with your wellies is great fun and will cheer you up when you wading through the mud, there is no excuse for being one of those girls who miraculously emerges from their tent with perfectly groomed hair and make-up every single day when the rest of haven't even changed our clothes cos we couldn't be fagged. Those girls only exist to ruin things for the rest of us. They probably don't even stay in tents, they probably stay in hotels and get day passes. Get into the I-don't-care-how-rough-I-look-this-music-is-great-vibe.

Attack of the killer fairies. Because Lady Gaga's fairies would be able to kill a man by sheer intimidation alone... On the topic of men and Gaga, why do so many of you get confused about what she looks like? So many boys have said this to me. Yes, she dresses up a lot. But it's not still not that confusing...

Bambi Eyes. Not really a fashion choice unless you're planning to go under the knife, but pretty stunning if you have them.

Rah-chic proves it's worth with the tasteful creases of the oil-skinned Barbour (also the blindfold is to show he's under the love spell. Perhaps a similar fashion accessory could be devised to indicated when someone is wearing beer goggles...)

What a wonderful green waistcoat. Waistcoats aren't worn enough anymore. Which is a shame as boys get little enough variety when it comes to formal wear. However, anything from a coat, a hat to a pet dog in that shade of green would surely be a welcome addition to anyone's life.

I realise that he's wearing that because he is 'representing wall' and that it's made a little uncomfortable by the poles that are keeping his arms straight, but they don't need to be there, you could just have ribbons that attach at the wrists (in an unusual burst of needle-and-thread creativity I once made a Halloween cloak this way). And just think what an AMAZING cloak this would be. Even Gaga would be proud. And you could whirl on the dance floor and look like a spinning wall... tell me you are getting as excited about this idea as I am.

A beautiful illustration of how not to wear floral. But probably the best Thisbe anyone who was there has ever been lucky enough to see.

Benjamin Britten's A Midsummer Night's Dream
Costume Designers: Sophia Parkinson, Rupert Bickersteth and Felicity McDermott

For an performance which had no set, particular kudos must go to a design team who created the entire atmosphere of the play out of lighting and costume. Also to the fairies, because they were hardly wearing anything and it was cold in that church (but so worth it).

Going back to Total Eclipse of the Heart, which I assume you, like me, have been listening to on loop since clicking on the link (which is significantly more time on my part as I'm having to think up this fascinating commentary) The Wikipedia's answer to WHAT were they thinking is that:

'The video was story-boarded by Jim Steinman - who also composed the song - and drew inspiration from the 1976 film Futureworld. The Gothic themed video features Bonnie Tyler clad in white, apparently having a dream or fantasy about her students in a boys' boarding school. Young men are seen dancing and participating in various school activities such as swim team, karate, fencing, football, and singing in a choir. The video was shot at Holloway Sanatorium.'

For the sake of championing equality between the sexes I suppose we should cheer this celebration of lust for young boys by older women (then again they are half alien. There is no legislation against sleeping with aliens). Perhaps Sam Taylor Wood could have the song played at her wedding...

Finally, how much do you love the Honourable LG's response to the hermaphrodite rumours in her new video?